tomarebea, 34 anni
spritzino di Padova/Stoccolma/Zaragoza/Helsinki
CHE FACCIO? Arcada University of Applied Sciences
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Thursday, September 11, 2008 - ore 00:51

Dal mio blog
(categoria: " Vita Quotidiana ")

Tomorrow I have the Swedish exam and one thing I can’t forget to bring is the Swedish dictionary Malin gave me when I moved to her apartment about 5 years ago.
I can’t skip to stare a few seconds at the first page dedication written for me. I can’t imagine how weird sounds the word ”friend” coming from her. I can’t be friend and I can’t be lover, like nobody else can.
This flatness is just beyond my comprehension. I wasn’t ready for these last generation androids and I’m not ready now. And I wasn’t ready last year of course. I still believe in deeper things, I still believe she meant something when she bought that dictionary and when she wrote that dedication. She meant she wanted to me to learn her language, she didn’t want me to disappear. 5 years later I’m almost there. I could have been there in a few months in the right conditions... but it wasn’t like that and I had to do it by myself, without any extra stimulation, nobody to underline how important could be if I learnt that language.
Maybe I won’t speak it fluently, maybe I won’t understand many things (but I’m so fucked up in my head that I don’t even understand my own language anymore), but it’s a big step for me to get closer to a world that didn’t disappear from my life. I’ve never been judged about this, I’ve never needed it. Tomorrow we’ll see if I can make it. Maybe I won’t be allowed to use the dictionary Malin gave me but I’m sure that just having it with me will be the best help because it’s like I’m bringing on the desire of someone that is no longer with me. Someone that lives time to time, in different ways, in a chaotic mix of flatness with spots of human sanity. Whatever it is I need it to be balanced and I’m sure it will help tomorrow.



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